Ian & Stuart's Australian Mac: Not for Sale/Another.not.for.sale (Australia).iso/feel the pain of everyone/Die_Evan_Dando_Die

Text File | 1994-10-01 | 40KB | 1,065 lines

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WELCOME TO THE ETEXT VERSION OF DIE EVAN DANDO, DIE

Die Evan Dando, Die magazine, at the inception of this document, is BACK IN
PRINT!  After selling out of our first 1000 copies, which was about 900 more
than we expected, it is once again available.  Now, it has a pukey green
flourescent cover and halftones were made of the photos, so it all looks real
slick like that.  They are available for $2 cash money in the US from Die
Evan Dando, Die / 1464 Easton Rd. / Warrington, PA 18976.  More ordering info
is at the end of this document.

Now, if you are some Dando-lover who has downloaded this just because it has
Evan Dando's name on it, in spite of the fact that it between the words "Die"
and "Die," do not be surprised if you don't like this.  Keep it if you want.
 Throw it out if you want, but don't go asking us how we could create such a
horrible thing about such a lovely person.  It couldn't be any more obvious
that we think the guy's a damn gherkin, and it couldn't be more obvious why.
 We get tons of hate mail from fans of his who have purchased this magazine
and then are shocked and upset to find out that we loathe this dink.  All we
can say is, "What the hell did you expect?"  Maybe it was the subtlety or
ambiguity of the title that threw you off.

We felt bad about not being able to put cool stuff like photos and crossword
puzzles in the etext version, so we wrote 2 brand new bonus articles that are
not included in the print version, but you're basically getting this for
free, so quit yr damned complaining, you cheap rat bastard.

Please distribute this magazine freely and with vigor.



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WHY DIE EVAN DANDO, DIE ?
------------------------

"I would hope to be more like a woman than a man, actually. ...men have
proved that they really can't get it together,  they can't be cool."
     --Evan Dando

  May it just be understood, in no uncertain terms, that neither the title
nor the content of this magazine is meant to advocate the death of Evan Dando
(a-hole that he is) or anyone else.  Is this understood?  The editors of this
magazine in no way advocate or condone the injuring or killing of anything,
except for the regular mowing of lawns (a necessary evil in modern society).
 Now that we have the publisher's lawyers off our backs...

  Above is a quote from Evan Dando, singer from the pop sensation The
Lemonheads.  December 1993 brought the release of Come on Feel The
Lemonheads, which was a milestone for the music industry, as it marked the
first time that an album has been sold exclusively on the merits of a
bandmember's cheekbones.  Unfortunately, along with the release of the album
has come an onslaught of dopey interviews and and bonehead quotes from Evan
Dando.  The above quote is just one in a seemingly endless parade of witless
statements from this weasel.

  Yes, Evan, it is the 1990's and we all understand that the macho thing is
over.  Apparently, the current alternative is to be a softy sissy-boy like
yourself, which is no alternative at all.  Tough guys and softies are
essentially the same thing, anyway.  The tough guy lashes out and is
domineering, while the softy looks for someone to take care of him and baby
him emotionally, and neither has the capacity to deal with relationships
based on equality.

  Yes, Evan, we all understand by now that all men are inherently evil.  But
try as you might, you cannot grow up to be your mother.  So, get past the
perfunctory MALE=BAD routine and start working on a healthy respect of who
you are.  Try to break the void of positive values for men.  Respect for
yourself will not come about through the disdain of others.  One would assume
that Dandoes make dopey statements like that in an attempt to help the
women's movement.  Maybe Evan should spend less time trying to convince women
that he's on their side, and spend more time just being there.  Many people
would say that Dandoes just bash men to try to get women to sleep with them.
 Now, we're not saying that...but it's probably true.

  Space is running out, so, let's just say that The Lemonheads used to be a
pretty likeable band, but now they are mostly unbearable, partly because they
are just sounding more and more like the Spin Doctors, and partly because
Evan Dando has shown himself to be completely unable to stop saying asinine
things in the press.  He is completely out of control and completely full of
himself.  He makes the singer from The Black Crowes seem lucid.

  It is too bad that they are playing shows with the always sensational Redd
Kross, because we would actively encourage any man to stay away from their
shows, so as not to offend Evan with their "uncool" male presence or to have
Evan risk getting their "uncool" male germs on his hands when he shoves the
money they spent on tickets in into his cooler-than-thou wallet.  Oh, and
covering a Simon and Garfunkel song, what a novel idea, I guess the Dickies
were only doing that in about what, 1982?  Yeah, good.

  Also, we were big fans of the candy called LEMONHEADS.  We are now actively
encouraging the company that makes them to sue the band for trademark
infringement.


rejected names for this publication

- "Kill Evan Dando" magazine
- "Disembowel Evan Dando" magazine
- "I Want To See Evan Dando's Head On A Post" magazine
-  The "Evan Dando Can Bite Me Right Here" journal
- "Here's A 2 by 4 With a Rusty Nail In It, There's Evan Dando's Head...  Any
Ideas?" magazine
- "Spikey-Haired Dad-Haters'" newsletter
- "Mopar Muscle"
- "Evan, Shut Yr Stinkin' Hole" gazette
- "I'm a Dando, He's a Dando, She's a Dando, We're All Dandoes, Wouldn't You
Like To Be An Asshole, Too?" magazine
- "Evan Dando Gives Horse's Asses a Bad Name" magazine


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


This is a list of officially authorized and prohibited behavior for Evan
Dando.  Any other activities must first be cleared by the staff of this
magazine.


MAY Watch Donahue
MAY NOT Watch "Wiseguy"

MAY Watch "Home Improvement"
MAY NOT Watch "Hawaii 50"

MAY Watch "Evening Shade"
MAY NOT Watch "Melrose Place"/"90210"

MAY Watch pairs figure skating
MAY NOT Watch any sport with the word "ball" or "race" in it, or hockey
either

MAY Use women's rest room
MAY NOT Use men's rest room (so as to not risk being offended by a toilet
seat that has been left up)

MAY Hang with Phil and Marlo
MAY NOT Hang in Sears Lawn and Garden section

MAY Replace Natalie Merchant/reform 10,000 Maniacs
MAY NOT Replace Paul Westerberg/reform Replacements

MAY Kiss my skinny white butt
MAY NOT Not kiss my skinny white butt

MAY Drink Zima
MAY NOT Drink a Rob Roy

MAY Wear aftershave
MAY NOT Not smell foufy

MAY Marry his mommy
MAY NOT Be self-sufficient

MAY Hate your dad
MAY NOT ?

MAY See Belly
MAY NOT See F.O.D.

MAY Listen to Spin Doctors
MAY NOT Listen to Descendents

MAY Drive a Dodge Colt
MAY NOT Own a dog

MAY Shut his yap
MAY NOT Utter the name "Tesco"


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Note to Die Evan Readers:  If you see Evan Dando in person, ask for his
autograph and then look shocked and say, "Oh, I thought you were "Lurch" from
the Addams Family!"  Also refer to him as Evan Dildo.  Or say "I loved your
video for 'Someone To Shove.'"  Or say, "You look like Henry Rollins on
estrogen!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


RICHARD PETTY: Philosopher-King
Some homespun wisdom from the King of stock car racing, #43
-----------------------------------------------------------

"Hurt my dang shoulder..."
   --Petty to his doctor after his Plymouth Superbird flipped four times and
landed on its roof, leaving Petty hanging out of the car, unconscious, with a
dislocated shoulder.


"You look back on stuff and think it was fun.  What you're doing now will be
fun 10 years from now"
   --On "the good ol' days"


"It just happened, and I don't think anything about it.  It's just part of
bein'."
   --On bein' famous


"I didn't run go kart, midget and sportsman cars.  I just jumped up with the
big boys to begin with."


"The Pettys ain't through, though till they take us out toes up in a pine
box."
   --After being badly beaten in 1964 at the Atlanta 500


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


SHAVING MADE PAINLESS or "Still Bloody After All These Years"
------------------------------------------------------------
  If you look up synonyms for "shave" in a thesaurus, you find "sliver",
"shred", "carve", "haggle" and "slice".  Most people start shaving
semi-regularly when they are 16 or 17 and find these forays into the adult
world leaving them a bloody mess, looking worse than when they started.  This
can continue for several years, or for the rest of your life.

  Many people have had nothing but horrible luck when it comes to shaving.
 How the hell are we supposed to know how to do it?  It does not come to you
instinctually, like the ability to choose the slowest lane out of 8 at the
supermarket.  No one ever tells you anything.  Most people that you'd ask
would be as baffled as you.  There are no "How to Shave" articles in Field
and Stream.  There are no "Where There's a Will, There's a Clean, Comfortable
Shave" infomercials on TV.  You could spend 10 years in college, but no class
is going to teach you how to shave.  And who's this Kafka guy anyway?

   Somehow, after many years of butchering and bloodletting, some are lucky
enough to finally stumble onto the technique for a consistently great shave.
 That's right, you, too, can have nothing but completely flawless, and mostly
blood-free, shaves.  This knowledge will now be imparted to you.

   Stay away from electrics.  Some people swear by them, but they're just too
expensive to buy and maintain for many people's tastes.  Besides, they
usually leave you with a big red rash where your scruff used to be.  You
might prefer looking like a slob to looking like you have the hives.   Stay
away from straight razors.  Apparently, these will give you the best shave
you ever had, but frankly, they are really very scary.  They are too
reminiscent of psycho-killer movies and bad Three Stooges bits.

   Stay away from cheap, or single-blade razors and replacement blades.  The
rule is: a cheap razor for cheap skin.  You may love generic products, but
this (and alkaline batteries) seems to be one area where you actually get
what you pay for.

   Stop buying expensive and bulky cans of shaving cream.  Get an
old-fashioned shaving brush and a bar of mug shaving soap, or a tube of
shaving cream.  Brushes cost between four and five dollars and will smell
like a wet dog the first couple of times you use them, but they'll pay for
themselves in no time.  Mug soap can be as cheap as 75c and will easily last
you 3 or 4 months, honestly.  Tube cream costs a little bit more, but it's
still significantly cheaper than aerosol cans and is very convenient if you
travel.  If you run out of soap, you can use your brush with regular bar soap
in a pinch.  Don't be tidy and rinse out your brush when you're done with it.
 It holds onto soap that will work fine on your next shave.

   Try to shave after a shower, so your pores will be open.  If you can't,
then take a wet washcloth (as hot as you can stand it) and hold it on the
area to be shaved for about 30 seconds.  (Have your razor and brush sitting
in hot water while you're doing this.)  Then rough-up the scruff with the
washcloth.  Work up a lather with the brush and work it in, don't paint it
on!    When you shave, don't be afraid to lean on the blade a little bit.
 Apply pressure to the blade, and use long, smooth, strokes, not all short,
jerky strokes.  This will make all the difference in the world.  Some people
have better luck going against the grain, some have better luck going with
the grain.  Decide what's best for you.

   Don't waste your hard-earned money on aftershave.  That is, unless you
enjoy walking around smelling like an issue of PLAYBOY. Aftershave is silly
and expensive, and buying it only helps to line the pockets of such
notorious, fou-fou Dandoes as Ralph Lauren, who is rich enough already.  Just
go out and buy some witch hazel at any supermarket or drugstore.  It costs
about 70c for a 16 oz. bottle.  It will clean and heal your face without
stinging.   Maybe you'll want to tear the aftershave samples out of PLAYBOY
and rub them around on yr neck just for special occasions.

   Buy a styptic pencil.  In the event that you do get cut, you take this
pencil, which looks more like a piece of chalk, wet it, and then touch it to
the nick.  It is actually far more painful than anything you have ever
experienced in your life, but you can then wear that pain as a badge of
courage.  The bleeding will stop instantly.    Hopefully, this will demystify
the shaving experience.  Any shaving tips, feedback or cash donations from
grateful, happily clean-shaven readers should be sent to:   Shaving Editor /
Die Evan Dando, Die Magazine / 1464 Easton Rd. / Warrington, PA 18976


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WHY PLAYBOY RULES ALL HELL, EVEN AFTER 40 YEARS
-----------------------------------------------

   If you can get past the knee-jerk reaction to quickly write off PLAYBOY as
a nudie wack mag, you might just find yourself reading one of the more
thought-provoking and interesting magazines around.  All other men's
magazines seem to feel the need to divorce the cerebral from the sexual, and
we find ourselves with a polarized assortment of reading materials, those we
keep between the coasters on the coffee table, and those we keep between the
mattress and the box spring.

   Playboy successfully merges the two and that is a large part of what makes
it so consistently readable.  Where other magazines like GQ and Details have
received widespread acceptance by both sexes, Playboy (although quite
mainstream and established) has been able to keep a unique perspective and
audience.  This is due, in part, to the fact that it enjoys the freedom
afforded by the taboo of being linked to an era of sexuality whose heyday was
between 1955 and 1965.

   This is not to say that this magazine's focus is to wax nostalgic for
simpler days, or to cater to the tastes of old, washed-up Hef wannabes.
 Instead, Playboy's target audience is modern young men from 20-40, providing
on the mark social commentary as well as timely and current interviews and
articles.

   Aside from the scented inserts (see "shaving", this issue) Playboy's men's
fashion sections are palatable and agreeable, something almost unheard of in
magazines like Details that seem to be constantly swayed by ridiculous and
faddy fashion trends.  Playboy's style is classy and rugged, while remaining
sensible, letting you know that you can dress up without looking like a
hard-ass, a mama's boy or a spaz.  One caution: music and film reviews may be
incredibly snobby and obtuse.


Magazines that are not Playboy, but are recommended anyway
----------------------------------------------------------

   If you find yourself spending a ridiculous amount of time oohing and
aahing over cars that are older than you, then you will find Hemmings Motor
News to be an invaluable resource.  It is published monthly and is the
definitive source for parts and services for cars that date all the way back
to the turn of the century.  So, whether you're looking for 428 Cobra Jet
intake, a hemi Charger, a rear window for a '48 Packard or if you're just an
old car fan, Hemmings Motor News will give you endless hours of great reading
on the can.   Sample copies of Hemmings Motor News are $6.00 U.S. & $7.00
Canada (U.S. funds only) to:  HMN Subscriptions, P.O. Box 100, Rt.9 W,
Bennington, VT 05201 or call [phone] ext. 550.

   Taking a hard and cynical look at technology, modern culture and the
environment  is the Whole Earth Review.  Whether or not this magazine is
really "alternative" is open for debate, but  the real appeal of this
magazine is that it challenges the status-quo view without sounding like it's
being written by a bunch of kooks.  It's well-written, realistic,
informative, and indepth without dancing around political correctness.  Who
knew?  For subscription info, call 1-800-938-6657.  Email WER at
[e-mail] .

   From the editors of The Southern Farmer's Almanac comes BUBBA magazine.
 BUBBA is a celebration of the great American Bubba.  Does your riding mower
cost more than most people's cars?  Do you find that you can't say no to a
free baseball cap? Do you see 55 gallon drums at a landfill and think, "What
a waste.  Those'd make a right fine grill for my backyard..."?  If so, then
you just may be a Bubba yourself.  Inspired by ArchBubba Bill Clinton, BUBBA
takes a tongue-in-cheek look at the simple pleasures enjoyed by working class
America.    For subscription and production information, contact HGK
Products, 1825 Wakeman, Wheaton, IL, 60187 or call 1-800-57-BUBBA.

   F*ck magazine's reputation precedes itself.  Notorious for pictures of
deformed bodies and full of content that advocates the killing of many
people, F*ck might be considered one of the most incomparable and unique
magazines around.  Recommended, but not for the faint at heart.  For
subscription info and back issue orders, write to:  Randall,  P.O. Box 2217,
Philadelphia, PA 19103.  Please enclose a signed statement of your age and do
not write F*CK (or any other nasty words, for that matter) on the outside of
any correspondence.  Most are issues between $1 and $3.

   Jersey Beat magazine has come all the way from being a small format
fanzine to a legitimate entity.  Jersey Beat has always remained in touch
with the NJ and NYC music scenes, often predicting the rise and fall of
bands, clubs, stores and labels with amazing accuracy.  Editor and dedicated
scenester Jim Testa displays an unbiased and lucid understanding of the
politics, processes and hierarchy of the North Jersey/New York City music
scene.  Jim does too many reviews each issue to be involved in being
routinely cynical or undeservedly nice.  His idea of supporting the music
scene is to laud bands because they are good and not just because they're
from down the street.  It's nothing personal.  Why Jim doesn't have a big
bucks A&R job yet is beyond comprehension.  Issues are published seasonally
and are available for $2 from:  Jersey Beat, 418 Gregory Ave., Weehawken, NJ
07087.  Jersey Beat's email address is [e-mail] .

   Coffee... Life's Black Blood 2  is all things to all people.  As the title
implies, it is a magazine whose sole focus is to voice the praises of that
magic bean juice, coffee.  Art about coffee, articles about coffee, collages
about coffee, and poetry about coffee.  If you were thinking about giving up
coffee for some ridiculous reason, take a peek at CLBB2 and you'll think
better of it.  Like the magazine says, "Stunt that growth early!"  A magazine
for artists and artisans alike to rally around.  Send SASE for catalog to
Life is a Joke, P.O. Box 423085, San Francisco, CA 94142.




* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

***Special Bonus Article Included In Electronic Version Only ***


Can You Taste The Alterna-Bile?
------------------------------

"I hear he's a little precious about himself.  So, he could probably use a
real good thrashing, which is exactly what we gave him."

   Is this a quote about Evan Dando?  Nope.  It's a quote from Evan Dando,
commenting on Paul Simon's reported loathing of the Lemonheads version of
"Mrs. Robinson."  Yeah, tough guy, boy, did you really turn the screws on
that midget!

   Before he gets too proud of himself, let's take the time to remind
everyone that while Dando appeared shirtless and birthmarkled in nearly every
magazine in existence, the single "Into Your Arms" wandered up to peak at 56
on the Billboard charts before evaporating into the ether.  Even Art
Garfunkel laughs at the performance of that single.

   Atlantic Records quickly stated that the lackluster performance was due to
the fact that the band was out of the country when the single was released,
but, more likely the problem was the Atlantic records were out of their heads
when they signed the band.  Some contended that the single was just too
poppy.  Maybe it was just too sucky.

   But, Evan will endure.  Unfortunately, this cannot be said for the other
two Lemonheads, who will, no doubt, soon be out like last week's recycling.
 While Dando threw his little crackbaby tantrums at interviews and video
shoots, drummer Dave Ryan and Nic Dalton were reportedly very apologetic and
accommodating.

   The results of being so nice and personable are evident in a Rolling Stone
article on the Lemonheads, in which alterna-boar Dando's name was mentioned a
whopping 95 times (including on the cover) versus a meager 17 mentions of the
word "Lemonheads."  Third place in mentions went to Dalton, whose name was
cited a mere 7 times, leaving non-Lemonhead and non-mattress mambo-er
Julianna Hatfield in fourth place with 6, barely edging out Ryan's paltry 5.
 Also, Dando was the only one lucky enough to have wanky photos included of
him showing him enjoying a wealth of bucolic family splendor, next to the
I.D. from the college he pooped out of.

   The most unsung tragedy of this whole ordeal, however, is truly the
efforts of the Atlantic Records publicity department.  Somehow, the press was
whipped into a frenzy to cover Evan Dando as though he were the next Seattle.
 No doubt, some pasty publicity people were very proud of themselves for
having cooked up the moniker "alterna-hunk," the catchiest catch phrase since
"tofutti."  While America runs amuck with Edsel Dando-mania, we are left to
wonder if maybe"alterna-hunk" wasn't just too much of a gem that the
publicists should have saved for the soon-to-be-staged Vanilla Ice comeback.
 Do not despair, as we have come up with a list of other publicist
ejaculation-ready names for Evan.  Hopefully, one of them will stick.

New publicist ejaculation-ready names for Evan Dando
----------------------------------------------------
alterna-dork
alterna-gumby
alterna-milksop
alterna-mollycoddle
alterna-pantywaist
alterna-weasel
alterna-douche
alterna-load
alterna-dick
alterna-wad
alterna-ass
alterna-crackbaby
alterna-hatfield no-humper
alterna-monkeydick
alterna-messiah
alterna-horse's ass
alterna-leBon
alterna-couldn't find his own butt even if there was a bell on it
alterna-pouter
alterna-puss
alterna-kook
alterna-dink
alterna-fabio
alterna-vanilla ice
alterna-astley
alterna-hump
alterna-sissy
alterna-flash in the pan
alterna-lurch
alterna-krutsick
alterna-humorless
alterna-kerrigan
alterna-watered-down pat boone
alterna-barney
alterna-poopypants
alterna-putz
alterna-jizz
alterna-skid mark
alterna-piece of hole
alterna-pansy
alterna-couldn't shut his hole for one second if his life depended on it
alterna-butt
alterna-namby-pamby
alterna-sucker
alterna-gudgeon
alterna-chump
alterna-dupe
alterna-fish
alterna-sap
alterna-sucker
alterna-laughing stock
alterna-loser
alterna-toolface
alterna-barnacle
alterna-doormat
alterna-parasite
alterna-baby
alterna-invertebrate
alterna-jellyfish
alterna-milquetoast
alterna-priss
alterna-fop
alterna-sap
alterna-dud
alterna-botch
alterna-muddle
alterna-blockhead
alterna-dope
alterna-dummy
alterna-dimwit
alterna-numskull
alterna-jerk
alterna-oaf
alterna-schween
alterna-dunce
alterna-chump
alterna-boob
alterna-clod
alterna-dolt
alterna-duffer
alterna-dullard
alterna-lightweight
alterna-goof
alterna-hammerhead
alterna-idiot
alterna-ignoramus
alterna-moron
alterna-mutt
alterna-nitwit
alterna-pumpkinhead
alterna-stupe
alterna-zombie
alterna-turnip
alterna-imbecile
alterna-lobster
alterna-slouch
alterna-clod
alterna-walking blunder
alterna-bumblef*ck
alterna-cheesecrotch
alterna-la-di-da
alterna-vainglory
alterna-pompous self-important ass
alterna-hypocrite
alterna-suckwad
alterna-ham
alterna-gall
alterna-sally fields
alterna-booger
alterna-narcissus
alterna-center of the universe
alterna-sun shines out his ass
alterna-fool
alterna-mama's boy
alterna-schlep
alterna-talent-free
alterna-felcher
alterna-consistently picked last in gym
alterna-foufou
alterna-diaper-boy
alterna-baboon
alterna-sphincter
alterna-poof
alterna-fembot
alterna-nosebleed
alterna-stain
alterna-prig
alterna-rube
alterna-fungus
alterna-waste
alterna-dildo
alterna-tinkerbell
alterna-digital rectal examination
alterna-sasquatch
alterna-bore
alterna-geek
alterna-mushmouth
alterna-gamy boy
alterna-pestilence
alterna-puke
alterna-jethro
alterna-dung heap
alterna-grub
alterna-gasbag
alterna-flatus
alterna-blob
alterna-rancid, sour milk
alterna-patsy
alterna-colostomy odor
alterna-odious
alterna-scurvy
alterna-wombat
alterna-jarhead
alterna-eunuch
alterna-buttplug
alterna-loaf
alterna-spunk
alterna-troll
alterna-wipe
alterna-jerkoff
alterna-sick fart
alterna-ratchet jaw
alterna-diarrhea of the mouth
alterna-gutless wonder
alterna-hambone
alterna-toad
alterna-pest
alterna-waste
alterna-fluff
alterna-superfluous
alterna-vas deferns
alterna-budgie
alterna-snooze
alterna-yadda yadda yadda
alterna-gork
alterna-portnoy
alterna-spaz
alterna-leper
alterna-mucous
alterna-prima donna
alterna-pork
alterna-osmond
alterna-french
alterna-bla bla bla
alterna-buttercup
alterna-trussface
alterna-smarm
alterna-pabulum
alterna-muff
alterna-chalkhead
alterna-heel
alterna-dweeb
alterna-boner
alterna-jejune
alterna-clamdip
alterna-peckerwood
alterna-alda


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

DIE EVAN DANDO, DIE MAGAZINE'S ANNUAL READER'S POLL
---------------------------------------------------

1.  How would you rate Evan Dando?
   a.  pretty full of crap
   b.  relatively full of crap
   c.  totally full of crap

2.  If you were granted one wish, what would it be?
   a.  Evan Dando's mouth sewn shut in freak medical mishap
   b.  Evan Dando publicly picks fist fight with Kate Moss and loses
   c.  Evan Dando takes real-man lessons from Jack Lord

3.  Which of these laughs at Evan Dando's singing the most?
   a.  Bob Dylan
   b.  Dee-Dee Ramone
   c.  Linda McCartney

4.  Which best describes Evan Dando?
   a.  The Kylie Minogue of the 90's
   b.  The Sinead O'Connor of men
   c.  The Snoop Doggy Dog of college music

5.  Which is most likely true about Evan Dando?
   a.  drives slow in passing lane
   b.  can't drive at all
   c.  keeps balls in mother's purse

6.  Evan Dando reminds you most of which kid from elementary school?
   a.  the nose-bleeder
   b.  the paste-eater
   c.  consistently picked last in gym

7.  Which would be funniest?
   a.  Evan Dando ages badly
   b.  Evan Dando gets laryngitis
   c.  Evan Dando's sphincter falls out and rolls away

8.  Evan Dando is more annoying than:
   a.  a stick in the eye
   b.  a splinter in your finger
   c.  Lars Ullrich


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WORD JUMBLE!
-----------

Clue:  What to do before you use a public toilet.

YOHOTURLFCUSS         _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _


Clue:  What Evan Dando smells like.

EHGACKTRAEINGB       _ _ _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _

answers later in this issue


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Bands That Are So Much Better Than The Lemonheads, That It Ain't Even Funny
-------------------------------------------------

Minutemen / firehose - any-  While some early minutemen stuff can be kind of
rough, most of their catalogue is great listening.  The progression of the
Minutemen through their early albums and then into their later incarnation,
firehose, (after the death of Minutemen singer / guitarist D. Boon) shows
their sound developing from an abrupt, hasty blast into a refined and unique
punk-jazz style.  With each album, the band members become more adept at
playing and writing and evolve into a well-polished and tight unit.  But
through this, their style never lends itself to being showy.  Where many
bands become less accessible as their musicianship is honed, the Minutemen
and firehose become more listenable.  With songs like, "Relatin Dudes to
Jazz," and albums like Flying the Flannel and Double Nickels On The Dime, you
can't go wrong.  Late note: try not to get Double Nickels on The Dime on CD.
 It has a different and significantly crappier mix to it.  It was, for some
ridiculous reason, remixed for CD release and given a cheesier, wetter sound,
effectively ruining the clean, crisp and understated production that made the
vinyl version so excellent.

Rotgut were a Philadelphia band that had brought charged, anthemic punk tunes
in the style of the Angry Samoans and Black Flag back to area clubs.   After
recording several demos and an unreleased 7", the band has, unfortunately,
broken up.  "I'm Gonna Kill My Boss," "Everyone's an Asshole," and "AWOL for
Life" will be sorely missed.

Big Boys - The Skinny Elvis-  Life is good!  Touch and Go has seen fit to put
out a compilation of work by one of the most solid and consistent
contributors to punk in the 80's, namely the Big Boys.  While all of this
stuff can be found on other records, some of it can be a little difficult to
come by.  Basically, record labels are following in step with the strategies
started by companies like Rykodisc in reissuing albums and creating
compilations in order to cash in on alternative music's newfound, widespread
acceptance.  They provide albums to people who do not wish to root through
local record (vinyl records, that is) stores or do not even own a record
player.  It looks like gross consumerism works to your favor, too, when the
result is that there are more Big Boys recordings for you to get your mitts
on.

others, quickly...  Smashing Pumpkins' newest, Siamese Dream, could be the
best all-around album of the year, although the video for "Today" is a bit
disappointing.   If you like that, you'll probably like Redd Kross
Phaseshifter, which is excellent, as well as having an exceptional video for
"Jimmy's Fantasy."  Screeching Weasel have a new album.  It most likely is
great as well.  Haven't heard it yet.  Doubt there's a video.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Test Your Skill At Hawaii 5-0 Trivia
------------------------------------

1.  Which of the big three auto manufacturers provided cars for the show?

2.  What was the name of the actor who played "Duke?"

3.  Where did Steve McGarrett get his hair cut?

4.  Which two of these Star Trek actors appeared on Hawaii 5-0?
    a.  William Shatner
    b.  Leonard Nimoy
    c.  James Doohan
    d.  George Takei

5.  What's Steve McGarrett's secretary's name?

6.  Lee Harvey Oswald was captured by police at a showing of a film starring
what Hawaii 5-0 actor, shortly after the assassination of JFK?

7.  Which two characters enjoy surfing?
    a.  McGarrett
    b.  Dan-O
    c.  Chin Ho
    d.  Kono

8.  Steve McGarrett served in what branch of the armed services?

9.  In the episode, "A Death in The Family," what Hawaii 5-0 mainstay is
brutally murdered and gets his body dumped onto the steps of 5-0
headquarters?

10.  One of these Hawaii 5-0 actors played opposite his real-life mother, who
played his character's mother on an episode of the show.  See if you can
guess who it was.

 Jack Lord
 James MacArthur
 Kam Fong

 Imogene Coca
 Ruth Gordon
 Helen Hayes


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *



Real Man Revisited:  DAVID JANSSEN
----------------------------------

   He was the star of "The Fugitive," which aired from 1963 to 1967 and was a
constant ratings leader.  Some 30 million people (more than 70% of all the
people watching TV that night) tuned in to see the final episode, in which
Dr. Richard Kimball (played by Janssen) finally catches the one-armed man who
he saw leaving his house the night of his wife's murder.  This was, at the
time, the largest audience for a television episode, and is still ranked at
third, only behind the "Who Shot J.R." episode of Dallas, and "So Long,
Farewell, Goodbye," the final episode of M*A*S*H*.

   Janssen's feigned, humble smile and moody, sideways leer left viewers
engaged in his character's weekly search to clear his name.  The pensive and
wary Dr. Kimball was an enigmatic folk hero to many.  He had no need for
pretense and could always read people well.  Whatever situation Kimball found
himself in, his need to remain reticent always left him disinterested in
other people's squabbling.  A recurring theme found Dr. Kimball being aided
in his escape from the law by someone who appreciated his unobtrusiveness and
sincerity.

   Janssen reportedly earned 4.5 million a year for playing "The Fugitive."
 He worked hard to remain successful, but worked at having a good time just
as much.  He was well-known as a ladies' man and liked to smoke four packs of
cigarettes a day.  The network was thrilled with his performance and lavished
upon him a custom-made trailer for location shoots as well as a crew of
assistants, one of whom was assigned just to keep him sober.  Of his success,
he said, "Working in TV is like making love to a gorilla.  You don't stop
when you want to stop; you stop when the gorilla wants to stop."

   Janssen died of a heart attack at the age of 49.


"He was a good man and a bad boy.  God was he fun."
--From the eulogy at David Janssen's funeral in 1980
   source - People magazine


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Word Jumble Answers
------------------

What to do before you use a public toilet.
- courtesy flush

What Evan Dando smells like.
- kitchen garbage


Hawaii 5-0 Trivia Answers
-------------------------

1.  Autos were provided by the Ford Motor Company.

2.  Duke was played by Herman Wedermeyer.

3.  Mc Garrett got his haircuts at "The Hair Hut."

4.  a) William Shatner and d) George Takei appeared separately on 5-0.

5.  Jenny was McGarrett's secretary.

6.  The film was "Cry Of Battle" with James MacArthur (Dan Williams), and
also starred Van Heflin and Rita Moreno.

7.  b) Dan-o and d) Kono surfed, even though onlooking Honolulu P.D. officers
teased Kono that he might be confused for an aircraft carrier.

8.  McGarrett had served in the Navy (Naval Intelligence, more specifically)
and was still active in the reserves.

9.  Chin Ho Kelly was killed off callously in "A Death In The Family."

10.  James MacArthur's mother is Helen Hayes, he first lady of American
theater, and appeared as Dan-o's precocious mother.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


***Special Bonus Article Included In Electronic Version Only ***


Excerpts From The Course Guide of Dando University
--------------------------------------------------

>>Advanced Man-Child Workshop
**4 credit hrs.**

This workshop provides a practical foundation for the maintenance of your
man-child status well into your thirties and beyond.
Lectures include:
-Laugh Lines:  Nothing To Laugh About
-Being Spotted With Stubble: A Study In Damage Control
-Working the Words "Girl," "Love," and "Crush" Into Virtually Any Press Quote

Also included will be a limited study comparing and contrasting the works of
man-child pioneers Mickey Rooney and Davey Jones.  Hosted by assoc. professor
Jerry Mathers.  Formerly listed as: Gushing 156.

>>Topics in Film Studies: The Collective Works of Cathy Bates
**2 credit hrs.**

A weekly retrospective of the career of this and other sensitive, yet doughy
thespians.

>>Intro to Self-Importance 101E w/lab
**4 credit hrs.**

This lab-intensive course meets three times a week and focuses on you and
your position as the pivotal point around which the cosmos unfold.  Frequent
field trips will be taken through your childhood to discover the universal
and far-reaching importance of seemingly banal aspects of your formative
years.  Cross-listed with: A Study in Overexposure.


>>Poutiness and The Russian Revolution
**3 credit hrs.**

An exploration of sadness and how protruding lower lips gave the Bolsheviks a
fundamental advantage over the Mensheviks during the power struggles of
turbulent early 20th century Russia.


>>Special Lecture Series!!!
**2 credit hrs.**

Guest lecturer Tim Allen hosts this exciting series on how to be a perpetual
and enduring source of embarrassment to your entire gender.  Seating is
limited, so register early!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Poetry Corner
------------

...on the breakup of Rotgut

o Rotgut o Rotgut
why have you left me
to the silent judgement
of the sky and the trees
o Rotgut o Rotgut
you will play live shows no more
who is there left to play with the dwarves
o Rotgut o Rotgut
you left me this way
'cause it'll be a cold day in hell before I'll pay 6 bucks to see
the friggin' Go to Blazes


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Die Evan Dando, Die magazine

editor
------
  Jeff Fox

associate editors
------
  Dan Mapp
  Susan Benidetto
  G.J. Caulfield
  Sindy Fox
  Brett Lurwick
  Sparky Lymon

layout/art (paper edition)
------
 Teri Cagney


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

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 E-mail us or write if you have any questions.

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If you have gotten a copy of this e-zine and enjoyed it, please send a couple
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This magazine and its contents are copyright 1994 Jeff Fox Production

===================================================